When i’m nervous, im really nervous. I dont like feeling this way. Over the years i have realised that we are governed by our hormones and there is not a damn thing we can do about how we feel. Yeah sure you can fight it and repeatedly tell yourself that it is just a chemically induced reaction and none of it is real. It is like a computer program. But that being said, you can only fight it for so long till it completely overpowers you. That is my state this second.
Leaving home is never easy. I barely kept it together in front of my brother. During this transition period, as i have repeatedly mentioned in my previous blogs and loyal followers of mine will understand just how much it affects me, i am at my worst. I am vulnerable, almost sick to my stomach, there’s usually a lump in my throat and i am an emotional scene away from breaking out in tears. I would’ve wanted to go to the ship right away from the airport but it so happens that they’ve had me brought here a day early. Just in case. I am currently in a Chinese hotel where no one speaks english. I had an interesting interaction with the waiter over my lunch order and soon i’ll have another one for dinner.
I dont get why i get this way. I have barely left my bed, the weather outside is perfect for a brisk run but i am in bed binge watching episodes of Scrubs which i started a few weeks ago and it is now nearing completion. Something comforting about familiar faces and their company. Texted mum and dad. Bro too. For some reason bro gets really quiet when im at sea. He called me yesterday while i was at the airport and said that the house felt really big and lonely now that i was gone. I barely kept myself together after hearing that.
The pick up is at 0830 tomorrow and its straight to the ship after that. Roughly 12 more hours to go. I’ve been anxious and nervous about this moment for a long time, ever since i found out i will be promoted. I keep running these scenarios in my head wondering what is going to happen and if i will be able to keep up and run the ship. Currently i am just focusing on the fact that I just have to do 3 months from now on and ill have a huge cabin now.
The situation around my joining couldn’t possibly be more ideal. I am going back to the ship where i was a few months ago. I will be sailing with the seniors who recommended me for a promotion. I will have a 1 week handover with my senior from college who is someone i like hanging with. My Chief for the first 3 weeks is the same chief who runs on the ship and is very laid back barring a few episodes of madness. That’s quite possibly the best case scenario and maybe the best possible start i can have in my new role. It is still a little overwhelming though. I know i am just freaking out for no reason but uncertainty has always made me nervous. The training wheels have come off and i will pretty much be on my own and there is a lot to learn. But then i suppose i have always learnt by doing things and less out of books and manuals.
Even this rant has not helped me calm down. I have been passing in and out of sleep all day. It all begins tomorrow. My life as i know it will be totally different. I only hope i can deliver. I’ll know more tomorrow.