All alone.

i was sitting in the sunshine, 
when it suddenly came to me. 
I wondered why now and not before, 
When it was as clear as day can be. 

My mind’s wheels started turning,
And blew the rust away. 
And in no time at all, 
It was all work and no play. 

I found a way to fix it,
In a manner so simple and elegant. 
I’d wished i’d thought of it sooner
If only i had been more diligent. 

I sat there in the sunshine, 
And inspiration did strike. 
I decided to be alone,
No, not out of spite. 

Yes, i would be alone and glorious, 
Imagine how life would be. 
No noise at night, no sound in the day, 
No one in sight, not one or two or three. 

I’d be surrounded by peace,
And not worry about what people think or say. 
I’ll work and then work some more, 
Who cares about night and day? 

I’ll drink when i want and I’ll smoke cigars, 
Wake up when i damn well please.
No nagging, no fighting,
Nothing to do, and no one to goddamn appease. 

Yes, i’ll be rich and not famous,
And that’s the life i’ll live. 
I’ll be happy and content,
With zero damn’s to give. 

And in many years, I’ll see you again
I know, because life is built on misery.
You’ll be walking with your three little kids,
And would have forgotten our entire history. 

You’ll walk right past me,
And not blink an eye.
For i would have lived,
And you would’ve watched your life go by. 

I’ll return to my mansion,
And toast to my success in life,
And rue the time I wasted, 
trying to make you my wife. 

It shall rain champagne, 
and other delights sure will drip, 
I will clink my glasses all by my lonesome, 
And ignore my shoulder’s chip. 

A new day and another and another shall come,
But you will never hear me groan, 
For i shall enjoy all these worldly delights, 
Sitting in the sunshine, all alone. 

My purpose

I don’t know how to start this post but i know what to write about. These nights that i spend alone in this magnificent house are becoming the highlight of my life. The insights i gather and the inspiration i get from the things you would least expect are priceless. I like it like this. 

There is a reason why we are here. But we can’t know why. We can’t ask questions. We can blame and curse and cry ourselves to sleep but there is no one out there who can answer these questions for us. We don’t get to know why we are here and what is our purpose. Because we are insignificant in the grand scheme of things. No we aren’t special and we aren’t brilliant in any way. We are perishable characters in an infinite timeline. We come into this world, we do our part and then we turn to dust. We can’t ask why this happens. Well, yes we can, but there is no one on the other side of the line. You’re stuck holding a telephone with a broken connection. It connects you to nothing. No one is listening. And no one cares. 

Often i have blamed the world for being unfair. I feel for all the good i do in the world, I should be rewarded with happiness and love. I feel that my good deeds earn these rewards and their complete absence makes me question the point of all this. We can’t all be superstars. Some of us have to work behind the scenes and do great work without recognition. No one told us to but that is our purpose. That is my purpose. I think i realise my purpose now. I realise why i am here and what it is that i do in my life. My purpose is to give. My purpose is to give and not ask for anything in return. Because i will not get anything back. And expecting something in return is my own foolishness. I have to give till the time i have nothing else left but emptiness inside me. And that is when i will be taken away from this place. That is when i would have served my purpose and only then can i rest in peace. I am not destined to receive anything but i have so much to give. And i can’t know why that is. I can shake my fist at the skies and call out to our creators but we are way too inconsequential to be heard. And it is true. Who am I to know why things happen to me? What makes me so important that i get an answer to my questions? I am a carbon based life form driven by chemically induced behaviour governed by a programme i cannot edit or fight.

The lesser i expect from life and from people, the better it will be for me. No one is going to turn around and reward me for doing my job. Things aren’t going to magically change over night. I won’t get anything i want by doing good deeds and collecting good karma. All i can do is follow my path and fulfil my purpose. Touch and repair as many lives as i can before my time is up. I will leave a beaten, broken, defeated, empty shell of a man. For that is my purpose. And that is what i must do. 

Drunken rants : 01 December 2018

time will tell if this ends up being a mistake or not. It’s been a while since i wrote in a drunken haze fuelled by overpowering emotions. I hate to filter my words. I hate being careful. Because i am not this person. I cannot be politically correct all the time. Some things just suck and that’s the bottom line. That they suck. You cannot rationalise everything. Some things just suck and their existence in your life sucks even more because all they do is turn your own body and mind against you and light up a fire to destroy everything you ever built. But thats okay. I want to feel that fire. Get baptised by it. I want to feel this pain till it becomes my new normal. I no longer want to ice my wounds and bite my tongue. I want to live. I want to feel pain, i want to stop being afraid. What happened was awful but what i am living through hasn’t been any less awful either. Every day i feel it. every waking minute. It feels like sharpened iron dipped in hot coals and seared through my heart till it burns my soul and i can hear the screams in my head. I want it to stop. I want it all to end. But it won’t. Because i won’t let myself feel anything. and why am i so afraid to feel again? Why am i so afraid? I wasn’t like this. I feel like the rest of you out there. I was never afraid before and not anymore. I feel like the old me again. Hate pouring out of me and it burns everything it touches. I am opening the floodgates because i don’t want to live like a politically correct coward. I will feel my pain and bathe in it. I will endure like i always have before and i will emerge victorious and prevail like i always have. I will no longer cringe in my sleep and wake up to nightmares triggered by my own worst enemy. i am in control. and it all begins with me opening my arms to embrace my pain. Let me have it. 

10 things I look for in a woman.

I was recently engaged in a conversation with a woman i met through an app and she listed out her 10 commandments for her ideal man. To be fair, the list wasn’t that strict and most of them felt fairly obvious. But apparently finding someone who checks all these boxes is “nearly impossible”. This got me thinking about my own list and 10 things i would look for when i meet a woman. Although i didnt have a list prepared, i had a few points come to me right away based on recent and past experiences : 

  1. One who realises that NOT every guy wants to sleep with her. Sure statistically speaking, most men have only one agenda right from the start but there are others who are looking for more. 
  2. One who is punctual and respects other people’s time. I read this so often on dating profiles “Punctuality is a subject i am not familiar with”. I like how it is automatically assumed that a guy has to be okay with this. Not me.
  3. Chivalry does not extend to men alone. Women have a responsibility too. Leaving a conversation mid-way, not replying, one word replies, acting aloof etc are all regarded as rude behaviour. If you feel the you have no particular interest in the person you are talking to then let him know in as many words. You’ll be saving everyone’s time. And saying that does not make you mean. i would prefer it. 
  4. One who is driven in life and is passionate about something. Anything. I see so many profiles where people write their favourite passtime as sleeping. Favourite hobby as eating. Those aren’t things to be passionate about. Everyone likes to sleep and eat good food. I need to see a passion about something in life. Be it your career or sports or something you’re good at, even if it is playstation games. 
  5. One who has a heart. A decent human being who treats everyone well, speaks politely and is genuinely bothered with the current state of our country and our planet. 
  6. One who has a life outside of her cellphone. Yes, sharing cat videos can be nice but that is not how a conversation goes. Then it is just two people looking at screens and i can do that by myself when I’m home. Im quite good at it. When i am out to meet someone, i need to know i have her full attention and she isn’t going to keep checking her phone mid-conversation. It really bothers me. 
  7. One who isn’t afraid to take a leap of faith. Sure by now we have all had bad experiences when it comes to love and relationships. While it is okay to be skeptical, it is ridiculous to be so afraid that you don’t give anyone a chance when the signs are glaringly obvious that you should. Being afraid is normal but not doing anything to overcome your fears is a sign of weakness. 
  8. One who doesn’t play games. I would prefer to be with someone who speaks her mind and does not manipulate situations and arguments to her own benefit. There are no winners and losers in a relationship because we are both on the same team. It is us against the world. Not me and my friends against you. Be clear about your intentions and surely something can be worked out if there is a rational dialogue. 
  9. One who isn’t easily offended or gets upset by the little things. I would like to think that i am a decent human being and if i do or say something offensive, chances are that i didn’t mean it or i didnt convey it in the right manner. Wait till i explain myself and give me the benefit of doubt. Also, getting upset at every thing is a major turn off. Again, anything can be solved by talking about it and getting upset is a major waste of everyone’s time. Be up for a healthy debate and listen to the points being made. Be ready to listen as well and acknowledge the possibility that you could be wrong about something. Just mouthing off big words without a proper structure based with facts and just being loud in general does not solve anything. Then it isn’t a debate anymore. 
  10. Loyalty and respect are the corner stones to a relationship. While respect is earned eventually, loyalty must be present at all times. And the grey areas where it is “technically not cheating” are to be avoided at all costs. Cheating, even emotional cheating is quite possibly the worst thing you can do to a person. And the truth eventually does come out. So if you are inclined to be with someone else, do the right thing and end things first before you do anything. 

Well, there you have it. 10 things i look for when i meet a woman. Do you agree with this list? Have a few of your own? Write them down in the comments section. 

We don’t talk anymore…

The world provides endless means of getting information. But seldom do people realise that the text they read on a screen from some website is generally someone’s opinion. It may not always be the truth. But people take it in as a gospel truth and drink it in with their eyes closed.It is the source of information that makes the difference. Also, there are always two sides to the same story. If you hear just one side, your opinion will be clearly biased. And then there are cases which we may not understand because may not be involved or related to the issues. In those cases it is best keep your opinions distant. But that’s the my opinion. 

The word “feminism” gets thrown around a lot these days. And evidence suggests that women are mistreated. Yes, they are. At work and socially. Even in their own homes. In the post prior to this, i have mentioned real life stories that women have told me about how men treated them on dates. And i was appalled. It was shocking to hear the things women endure on a daily basis. But over the years, the definition and purpose of feminism has shifted. It no longer means fighting for women’s rights; it now basically stands for trampling on men to get what they feel like they are entitled to. Watch any YouTube video and actually listen to a feminist talk. At first it would all make sense and you would agree with what is being said. Big words will be thrown around like “wage gap”, “Male privilege”, “rape culture”, “pink tax” etc.  While they all sound like compelling and emotional arguments, they generally crumble in front of facts. There is a series of videos titled “Feminism vs Logic” and you can make your own conclusion based on what you see and hear. Im just pointing you in that direction. While on the subject it is said that while women make almost half of the work force, they have fewer work related fatalities, fewer work related suicides, take more sick days and generally spend lesser hours in the office on average. When i first heard about the wage gap inequality, my first reaction like any uninformed citizen was that this is wrong. But the more i dug into this, i realised that this isn’t the case at all. UFC women’s champion Ronda Rousey said in an interview that “I am the highest paid athlete in women because i draw in the most crowds. It’s not that someone is doing something nice for me. I am the best in the business and that’s why i get the best wages.” And i agree. Here is a woman who relies on her talent and accepts the reward she gets in return. Additionally, women business owners have said openly that they have found women to be lazy, lacking creativity and are less motivated in the work place and they would hire men over women any day because it is her business. She also admitted that while she would love to hire more women, there just isn’t enough talent around. The wage gap talks about the salaries paid to men and women on average. Not of a particular work place. If there is a wage gap and you feel you are entitled for more, go and have a civilised conversation with your boss. Use words and facts that are relevant and make sense.

There was a Buzzfeed video recently titled “36 questions feminists have for men”. One of them had a woman come to the camera and just say “why don’t you acknowledge that you have male privilege? Just accept it and do something about it. It does not make you a bad person.” Now that got me thinking and i researched more into “Male privilege”. I found no compelling arguments to support this hypothesis. In fact, there are more facts available that women have more privileges than men. Fewer work related fatalities, fewer work related suicides, fewer homeless women, the ability to sue for child support, the ability to sue for child support and custody even after sexually assaulting a man, the ability to adopt as a single parent, actually having reproductive rights etc to name a few. It is far easier for men to get fired after allegations of sexual assault. And the onus is on the man to prove he is innocent. Far easier to assume it is that a man’s fault in a case of domestic violence when studies indicate that women are far more involved in initiating and carrying out a domestic assault. It is easier to assume that it is a man’s fault in a divorce but again studies indicate a higher percentage of women initiating it. There was another video where sexual assault charges were dropped against one university student after a CCTV footage was recovered. It was seen that the girl basically threw herself at him and took him by the hand to her dorm room. But the man was picked up the next day by the local police and was charged with rape. The charges were dropped but nothing happened to the woman who filed the charges. She wasn’t fined for wasting everyone’s time. She just walked away freely. Why? You know the answer. 

Coming to “rape culture” now. It is sad to read the news these days and hear about women being assaulted or raped on a daily basis. India does not have a good record and i don’t really see a big change happening in this department. A few steps are taken after a major incident but soon after, everyone moves on and forgets about the whole thing till the next big event occurs. Surely the general population needs to be educated about these issues and the fear of god needs to be forced into people regarding this matter. However, the word “rape” gets thrown around very loosely these days. While the dictionary definition explains it in one way, feminists have rebranded the word and now basically even a simple touch on the shoulder or a hand on the knee constitutes rape. I spent a lot of time researching this topic because it is probably the most sensitive issue and we need to talk about this. In another video, a woman said “If i am in the street and i am crying because i lost my cat, men come up to me and say hey, what’s wrong? can i help you? That is so wrong. What gives them the right to come and talk to me? they are not entitled to my time.” In this case basic human decency is being confused with evil intentions. What would she prefer? That she cried alone in the street and no one gave a damn about her? What kind of a civilisation would we be then? There are other videos where women say “men should be told not to rape women.” But i am not a rapist not because someone told me not to do it. I don’t rape because i was taught to be a gentleman and that consent is the most important thing. Even if you are married to that person. I don’t even kiss the woman i am dating first because i want her to be ready and comfortable with it. And once that level of trust and understanding is developed you can move forward together. but no one told me not to rape. I just knew it was wrong. Most rapes occur where the woman involved knew the assaulter. And from the accounts i have mentioned in my previous post, several of them were probably heading towards rape. Most men are scumbags, no doubt. But hanging out with such scumbags and friend zoning the good guys makes matters worse. Women always tell me stories about how they were treated by certain men but when i say something like you should date nicer guys, such as myself, i get laughed at. It is unthinkable to be with a nice guy, because he is nice. This does not allow men to walk away scot-free, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t see a “rape culture” as such. All men aren’t rapists and we certainly don’t go about feeling the need to rape as it is shown in these video interviews. Yes, the atmosphere is unsafe for women. It is unsafe for men too. I feel unease driving back home alone at night in a bad neighbourhood. I fear getting robbed or beaten or murdered. 

The point of this post was not to talk about this though. These are just some the things i discovered and i have presented them in the manner i found them. The point i am trying to make is this. In one of the response videos, someone said why is it wrong for a man to call a woman a slut but it is okay for a woman to call a man a fuckboy? Now i did encounter this word before on all these dating apps. Women write stuff like “Not here for hookups. No fuckboys.” I didn’t really pay attention to this word till the time i saw the video mentioned above. And now everywhere i see this, i get offended. Even though i am not the proverbial “fuckboy”. Yes, i get offended. But i didn’t before. I didn’t pay any attention. 90% of where your life heads depends on how you react to situations. On one hand i had the option of turning a blind eye and not giving a damn about it while on the other hand i could have become offended. And thats what we are doing these days.We hear about things that may not apply to us entirely but we get offended on someone else’s behalf. Comedian Daniel Sloss made fun of his dead sister in one of his Netflix stand-up routines and he rightly pointed out that you have no reason to feel offended. She isn’t your sister, she isn’t here anymore, she didn’t ask you to get offended but here you are twitching uncomfortably in your seats. Which we all do. We get offended for things that mostly have no business with our lives. I swear, the word “offended” was not a part of my vocabulary at all. What we are doing essentially is teaching people to be offended by things and feel bad about things that don’t directly concern us. Because it is a one sided conversation. People hear things and they form an opinion. I don’t agree with Donald Trump on most occasions but he is right when he says there is a lot of “fake news” out there. In India, people are assaulted and killed just over a WhatsApp forward alleging that a person is a paedophile. And without credible evidence, a mob shows up and a man is left dead. WE DON’T TALK ANYMORE. We don’t talk to each other anymore. If there is something that i do that makes someone unhappy, they can come and talk to me directly about it. Branding me based on my nationality or gender won’t solve anything. All men aren’t the same. All Indians aren’t the same. I am a unique individual and i am not what you hear on Buzzfeed. Talk to me. Talk to anyone you have a problem with. List out your problems, present them with facts and not noise. Problem at work, talk to your boss. Problem at home, talk to you husband or wife or parents. Problem with your life and your own identity crisis, fix it yourself. It has nothing to do with you being a man or a woman. 

I am a firm believer that everything can be fixed. when two people show up and sit down in front of each other and have an open dialogue, anything can be fixed. But people need to be willing to listen. People need to be willing to accept that they might be wrong. People need to be willing to fix a problem and not just make noise. People need to look at facts and not call others insensitive or insecure. People need to talk to each other face to face. Not through online mediums where only one side gets heard. Please read this with an open mind, share it with your friends and family and ask for their opinion about this. I look forward to the comments. 

Online dating.

i recently dipped my toes into the world of online dating. while i have been using a few apps all along, it was a bit different this time. There was a sense of purpose. To meet new people and basically see where it goes from there. I was open for anything really. I was just going to show up to meet these women and where it went from there was entirely up to us. I was a bit nervous at first because I had never met anyone from these apps before. I would match, we would talk and invariably someone would lose interest and that would end up nowhere. I had some good matches though and i did make a few friends over the course of several years. But i never met anyone. I don’t know why that was. Probably because it was all very new to me and it felt weird. Additionally, i am an introvert and you can’t be that way on the first date. There are so many parameters on which men are judged and considered worthy. I had to be my confident self. The guy i am at sea. Not the nervous fidgety wreck that i am on land.

Over the course of a week i met several women and i realised that i was badly misinformed about the current status quo. Here are some of the things i encountered:

  1. There’s a plethora of men who are assholes to women. Im talking about straight up dirtbags. Women meet these guys, they get mistreated and hence all men get tagged as assholes. I was told about an instance where this guy was forcibly trying to get this girl drunk. Kept forcing her to drink large vessels with lethal long island iced teas. What his intentions were, who knows? Another girl told me that a married guy basically stalked her and ended up at her university gates to find her. She didn’t know he was married. Another girl told me about some guy who basically started undressing her while she was having a panic attack from smoking weed. Yet another girl told me about some guy who pretended to be a nice guy and basically disappeared after they were intimate.
  2. Women are dangerously deceptive and paranoid. I thought my date went well with this one particular person. I was charming, she had a ton of questions about what i did. She portrayed the classic body language that women have when they are into a man. I found these out on YouTube though i might have to fact check them on that after this. After the date, i was cautious to not sound too eager and proposed that we meet again before she gets busy with work. She agreed and said she will get back to me with a date and time. i waited for a few days and texted her on Diwali. Two days later i was unmatched. She didn’t give me her number because insisted that we speak on the app only. I was okay with that. Apparently she had some bad experiences in the past (refer to point 1). I couldn’t figure out what had happened and why i was unmatched for no reason. I was upset for a while but nothing that a night of binge drinking couldn’t solve. The other incident involved another person i matched with but spoke only over the phone. She was massively drunk that night and said she would prefer speaking on the phone because she could no longer see words on her screen. We spoke for an hour. Well, she spoke, i listened. She went on and on about how this guy she met basically turned out to be an asshole. She seemed nice and i asked if we could meet the next day to talk more in person. She said she had some birthday party to go to and couldn’t. Since then, she’s been dodging my texts and making excuses to not meet. I finally deleted her number and moved on. But i wonder what i did. How is it that women are giving an all access pass to these men who basically ruin them emotionally and good guys with good intentions get passed on?
  3. I spoke to a third kind of a person during this time. The kind that was willing to speak like an actual human and discuss things like an adult. We were on different pages though. She wanted a fast track relationship that would eventually culminate into marriage and i am nowhere near that sort of a thought process. However based on our limited conversation, she was certain that i was the right guy for her. I had no idea why. So far we have spoken once on the phone, we haven’t met but i am the right guy apparently. I would think people spend more time on selecting furniture than this but she was certain. I had some concerns about her hypothesis but she was quick to dismiss them. Despite everything, i maintained that we want different things from life at this point and we should remain friends. I am quite puzzled by this person, but in a good way.
  4. And then there is this other kind that i encountered. We matched on tinder and we found out that we live in the same apartment complex. She wasn’t doing anything these days and neither was i. The conditions were perfect. I was expecting we would hang out and give each other company over the course of a boring winter. But she didn’t tell me her name, didn’t give me her number despite the chemistry we had. We spoke for hours on the app but in the end she wasn’t looking for anything and just wanted to pass time. Well, so was i. But since i am a man, my intentions are directly filthy. I gave her my number and waited for two days. I unmatched her in the end. She lives right here somewhere. But i have no idea who she is and what she looks like. Her face was half covered in her profile picture. She had nice eyes and shiny hair so i swiped right. But nothing mattered.

 

what i have gathered so far is that the people here on land are basically ruining each other mentally. everyone seems so very very broken and paranoid that when a guy shows up who seems nice, the first thought is to question his integrity and intentions. People are driven away when they are nice. Because nice is apparently more dangerous. It is possible that nice ended up to be a deception in the past. But i have no tricks and i don’t play games. I sit down in front of a person and i am an open book. I have nothing to hide. they can ask me anything and i will answer truthfully. I have much to learn about the way people are and what they actually mean when they say things that sound nice. But to me people feel like zombies who have switched their “feel” buttons off. While they all cry silently in despair and blame everyone for everything, they shut people out for trying to do the right thing.

I have so much to give. It pours out of my heart sometimes and i know i will be a good boyfriend if someone shows up with a larger attention span than that of a goldfish. If someone really gets to know me, i am sure they will like what they find. I’ve realised that i can’t fix humans. I was on a quest a few years ago to fix everyone but i have realised that it cannot be done. Because humans don’t want to be fixed. It is this constant affirmation from the world to be what you want to be and say what you want to say and that you are never the problem but the world is. You cannot fix someone who won’t acknowledge being broken first. And in these times, no one is wrong. Everyone is right and everyone else’s opinions are wrong. Thats why the world needs more engineers and less lawyers. Engineers get stuff done, mostly without talking. Lawyers just talk and make things worse.

For now i am not a part of this dating mindset that people have. I am not on the same page as the rest of the people here and that is fine. If i was this paranoid in life then i wouldn’t be myself anymore. And despite all these experiences so far, i know that i am a good person and I deserve a lot better, even when the worlds thinks otherwise.

Animal instinct

We are all bound by laws. Im not taking about stuff mentioned in law books and the constitution. Im talking about laws that govern us, laws that define us and laws that control us. The stuff written in our DNA. It defines who we are. It makes us do what we do. It makes us think how we think. Each one has their own unique personality traits and their own program. One particular incident got me thinking about this.

I was watching the first episode of the planet earth series. In there they showed a male bird in the amazon forest going through so much trouble to attract a mate. He prepared his stage, picked up twigs and leaves with it’s beak, cleaned up the whole area and then let out a mating call. On a branch far away, a female landed and he had her attention. And then the show began. He pranced around with his wings held wide, showing off his glorious feathers. He moved here, hopped back, swung his head from side to side and was generally impressive to a first time viewer. He finished his dance and waited patiently for the verdict. The female apparently wasn’t impressed and flew away.

It got me thinking. I spent hours decoding this scene, playing it in my head over and over. I am sure that it wasn’t the first time that male bird put on a show and it certainly wouldn’t be the last time. Time and time again it would put on a show and make a complete ass of himself just to impress a female and mate with her. But what is it that makes him do this over and over? Surely he wouldn’t die if he didn’t mate. Surely nothing life treating was going to happen. What is it that drives these creatures to perform the most outrageous acts? I wonder if the bird ever stopped to ask himself “why am i doing this?”

Translate that to us humans. While we don’t perform an actual dance to attract a mate but what we do is metaphorically the same. Freud says that almost all we do and whatever actions we take are driven by the need to mate. Success, money and power are things everyone wants. Because while in the animal kingdom only the biggest and baddest get the best mates, for us humans it is a bit different. For us even if you’re the biggest and baddest, it doesn’t guarantee you a mate. You have to be so much more. You have to be charming, funny, witty, genuine, intelligent, well read, have time, have patience, have money, have class, drive a nice car, vacation in nice places, have an instagram account full of awesome pictures and on top of all that be good looking as well. Men go to great lengths to get a woman’s attention even if they don’t do so consciously. And it is this animal instinct that drives us to do so. Sure we don’t spar with other men for this anymore but think of it as a race. A race to be better than others to get the best mates. Some men have different strengths and some women are attracted to those traits, while others are more mainstream and succumb to the bad boy charm.

But the question is, why? Why do we do this? Surely a man can sustain himself on his own and again, nothing life threatening will happen to him if he doesn’t do so. What is it that drives us to play the game even if we stop and think “why am i doing this?” . I have been single for almost 3 years now and while i have distanced myself from these games, i cannot help but feel lonely at times when i see other couples. While i have all the tools i need to sustain myself, there is something inside me that forces me to be unhappy even when i shouldn’t.

Something to think about then. Why does your own brain act against you and make you miserable when you have a healthy mind and a healthy body? Why can’t we fight this animal instinct and exist as singular entities capable of living solely for ourselves?

The views written here are my own and are clearly not meant to offend anyone.