Why talk?

Why do we have to talk and ruin things? Why not just sit here in silence and let the world mind it’s own business? Why not let me look into your eyes and watch the flames dance in their infinite depth, penetrating each layer of mischief? Why not live in the moment till the point where the funny becomes unfunny and the dark stormy clouds of seriousness take over us and we let the gravity of this moment sink in? Why not let me look at your face and not be worried about etiquettes and being awkward? Why not seize this moment that has presented itself to us out of other infinite possibilities? Why not let me show you what can happen if you grant me access to your heart?

My dear, if you let me, this moment could be something else entirely. Why then, ruin it by talking?

Jolt

3:33 AM. I can’t sleep. I lie awake. It’s been hours. That star hasn’t moved at all. I move the blinds and there it is. But this can’t be my reality. I must be fast asleep. I can’t tell the difference anymore.

I jolt myself and I find myself sitting at one of the ship’s computers. I have accidentally deleted the ship’s hard drive. I stare in shock. No one has seen me. Text appears on the screen saying “what have you done?”

I jolt again and I find myself looking at someone getting robbed. I can’t see any faces. Just neon red eyes and black masks. They finish mugging and look at me. They look at me, laugh and walk away. I have nothing to offer.

I jolt again and I’m driving my car. Sitting next to me is an attractive girl but she wouldn’t stop talking. Why won’t she stop talking? I don’t know what she’s saying. I can’t be bothered. It’ll be better if I drive into a tree instead. I pick a tree and pick up the pace. Foot hard down on the throttle. She finally stopped talking.

I jolt right before impact and I’m alone in the world. I missed the last spaceship out of the planet. Everyone has left. I’m the only one left behind in the cloud of white smoke. It’s a blizzard of white. Everywhere you see. But I don’t feel lonely. I prefer it actually. I always wanted a place of my own.

I jolt again and I’m wide awake. I can’t sleep. I move the blinds but the star has gone.

3:34 AM. It’s going to be a long night.

Nerd alert

He stood in front of the class and waited nervously as his question floated in the air, awaiting a response. Everyone around was busy with their phones. Everyone had given up paying attention a while back, since most of what he was talking went straight over everyone’s heads. Plus he made the mistake of saying this won’t come in the exam but it’s important to know this.

He looked at everyone individually. No one even knew he had asked a question. He held no power over us as we had paid the institute for this course. We could easily take our money and go elsewhere. They had to be nice to us. And we knew that.

Several seconds went past and not an aota of interest from anyone. He looked visibly sad and worried. Probably because he was employed as a visiting faculty member. Maybe they wanted to see how he did before offering a permanent position. I studied him for a while. Dressed in nominal clothing, middle aged, slightly balding. He had a good grasp on the subject but his method of conveying that information and gathering everyone’s interest needed work. But he was trying. He was trying to get the class to participate in the discussion but no one could be bothered at 3 PM on a Wednesday afternoon.

However, I knew the answer. After what felt like an eternity, I gave the answer out loud, throwing him a lifeline. He looked around trying to locate the source of the sound in the otherwise silent room. He found me with eyes gleaming. He spent the rest of the lecture addressing me directly. I had to stop looking at potential dating partners on Bumble.

I’m such a nerd.

You’re the worst : Season 5 Episode 12.

“Don’t marry her. Don’t do it” he said swinging unexpectedly in the opposite direction of the flow of the evening. I heard the words, i saw his lips moving. Nothing in the world could have prepared me for those words but here they were.

“Just because you love each other doesn’t mean your good for each other. Don’t do it.” I stared with my eyes wide open in utter disbelief.

“You’re wrong. Gretchen and I are good together. we are in a good place. we are finally honest with each other. Everything is fine.”

“I already spoke to the caterer and the venue. They have agreed to return 50% of your deposit. Take the money and we can leave tonight. Anywhere really. Go wherever you want to go but don’t do this. I cannot watch you two do this to each other again” he continued showing no intent on stopping.

“Get out.” i said, completed red-faced, shaking in anger and outrage. “I never want to see you again. You’re done.”

“You’ll destroy each other Jimmy..”

“There is no other way i’d rather go..”

He stared at me, tears rolling down his face. He finished his vodka martini in one giant swig and that’s the last time i ever saw him.

Only a matter of time.

He had turned soft. He felt it. He could feel it inside him. He preferred being relaxed now. After all he was getting older. Not that old to feel physically old but old enough to realise that emotions need to be kept in check and anger doesn’t always solve everything. The people around him however, weren’t making things easier.

There was a time when people had nicknamed him “ghost rider” because his head was always on fire. He fought with every one and didn’t give a damn. Even while being a junior, people knew not to mess with him. He was relaxed now. More diplomatic. The job demanded such actions from him. But those around him felt no such compulsion. They tested him every day. Every single day. He returned home feeling rather upset at the turn of events and how they were easily avoidable. He could see a path where it was just easier and simpler to do things but others around him always deviated from said path. They chose to make things worse each time.

He knew he could fight back. He knew all it would take is one trigger to erupt completely. He knew there was a point where he couldn’t take it anymore and had to give it back in return. He knew he could take everyone down in one stroke. But soon after such actions came regret. And he was wise enough to realise that. But such things are unpredictable. He knew it was only a matter of time before he erupted. White hot rage and blinding anger. All he had to do was wait and see. It was only a matter of time.

Another day, another dollar.

He returned home late. Again. Another one of those nights. One of those never ending nights. Lately that’s all he was living. Days that fuse into nights and nights that refuse to end. The hands of the clock might as well have not been there at all. What difference does it make? Life goes by and all you do is wonder where it all went. He did exactly that. Sat at the edge of the bed, tie loosened around his neck. Shoes off but it would take another burst of energy to take the socks off. Head hung low, he wondered how he ended up here. How this was his life now. How this was his new normal. He thought about the last time he had fun. The last time he laughed. The last time he knew what time it was.

He lay back, lost in his thoughts. They swept over him gently like a river meandering through plains. He didn’t drown in them. Instead they took him places. And he let them. He surrendered to his thoughts. This was the only time he could call his own. All the other hours of the day belonged to someone else. Someone else owned a portion of his life. Every day. Every damn day. Relentless thankless work for faceless people getting richer with every bead of sweat pouring out of your skin

He drifted off and never bothered to come back to the real world. He went wherever his mind took him. His eyes stayed open, staring at the ceiling, looking but not really seeing anything. The tie still dangled from his neck. The socks stayed on. The shirt and trousers got crushed under his weight but he didn’t care anymore.

Next thing he knew it was his alarm going off. It was morning again. Another day. “Another day, another dollar”, he thought to himself. Got back on his feet to endure another insufferable day.

A cold winter night.

It was like being a part of something. Something was going on and I was standing right in the middle of it. There was an air of purpose. So many people had gathered for some reason. But no one spoke. No one looked at each other. Hoods up, drinks in their hands, everyone turned to one direction swaying gently with the beats. Nodding in silence, taking it all in. Some more extravagant than others. But everyone stood in silence watching the man on stage do his thing. One hand gets empty and the other gets filled with another ice cold beverage on a cold night. Knocking back sorrows, numbing thoughts and just letting go, surrendering to the surroundings.

The set gets done, cheers all around. The lights come on, so do the phones. The artist says his goodbye, the crowd disperses. On to the next..

Too late…

I went through her blog word after word, line after line. I devoured the text like there was no tomorrow. Every thing I read painted a picture and the more i read, the clearer the picture got. Each post added more and more pieces of the giant jigsaw puzzle of her life. I had a broader understanding of how this person must be in real life. Which is something relatively easy, and you don’t need much skill to do that.

But there was something about her. Something that kept me awake last night. It was as if she was asking for help. She wanted to be rescued from her life. She had decided that she had had enough. And it didn’t feel like a temper tantrum. There we details mentioned in her posts. Stuff that i can’t disclose here. But from what i could gather, she needed help. She needed to be rescued. She was either going to become a danger to herself or a threat to those around her. She had mentioned what she would like to do to certain people in her life in her most recent post. Clearly driven to the limit of frustration, desperation, anguish and despair. And such a person becomes unpredictable. We have all seen videos on the internet about someone who loses it completely and does something totally unexpected. It felt like that’s what was going to happen to her.

I decided to reach out. Sent her a comment but WordPress told me that my comment needed moderation from her. Nevertheless, i suppose it got sent and she will see it even if currently lists it as spam. I barely slept at all last night. She kept me awake. I didn’t know what she might end up doing. I woke up this morning and my sleep tracker app told me I had slept for 1 hour and 27 minutes between midnight and 7 am. I wasn’t surprised. I put on my glasses and opened the WordPress app. My comment still wasn’t approved.

Maybe I was too late…

Bar talk

I walked right up to the girl at the bar. She was sitting there by herself and it appeared as if she was waiting for someone.

“Hi there.” I said. In my mind i thought there must be classier ways to start a conversation.

“Oh, hello.” She replied.

“Can i buy you a drink?”

“Oh, thats very sweet but i am waiting for my boyfriend to show up. He should be here any minute.”

“Thats funny, I’m waiting for my girlfriend”

“Oh, I see. Tell me about her. What is she like?”

“Ah, where do I even begin. The scope of this answer stretches wider than the length of our universe. And its funny i should say that because she is the centre of mine. Not a day goes by when i wake up not missing her. She is the first thought in my mind every single day and the last as well. My day begins with reaching out for her and traversing far and wide till i see her. And when i do, oh what a sight for sore eyes she is. Like an oasis, she breathes life back into me with her smile. With her hands she delivers a magic touch that sends shivers that get passed down to every nerve. She puts her arms around me and steps into me to embrace my soul. It has that power. Not only is she stunningly beautiful, but she is the strongest person i know. Stronger than me sometimes and i am not afraid to admit that. Her character has shown resilience that you only read about. Every day i look up to her. She inspires me to be a better man each day. A better version of myself. But she isn’t all business either. She’s a total dork when she wants to be. She would dress up in funny costumes and let her imagination run wild like fire. She spends hours on the playstation with me and makes a face when i beat her at FIFA. It’s hard not to want to kiss her then. Hell, it’s hard to not want to kiss her any time of the day really. There are things about me that only she knows. I opened up my deep dark insecurities to her because i know she will take those secrets with her to the grave. Also because i know she would never judge me. She understands me. She gets me. And she doesn’t need to, thats the best part. She could’ve had anyone. She could’ve been with world leaders and movie stars and walked down red carpets, but she is with me. And i wake up every day feeling like the luckiest guy on the planet. I love her with all my heart and more. More than i thought i was capable of. And each day that boundary stretches just a little beyond infinity.”

She sat here hearing me ramble on for god knows how long. I got lost in my words.

She smiled and kissed me. “I love you too.” she said.

I wondered…

She beamed the brightest smile i had ever seen, standing in the middle of that platform, next to the train right beside her. She wore a white dress with sunflowers on it. It went perfectly with the kind of day it was. While everyone lugged around their luggage morosely, she stood there beaming. That smile, something about it. It gave me hope. It made me believe again. I stood there looking at her from a distance and i don’t know how long i just stood there but i knew i could look at her forever. i wondered what adventures lay ahead for her. I wondered where she was going and what she must be doing. I wondered what her life must be like. I wondered what it must be like to have her in your life. I wondered what must it be like to wake up each day to that beautiful face and that beaming smile. She had her arm outstretched for a well deserved picture.

But, as soon as the picture was done, a sadness clouded her face. The smile vanished and hid like the setting sun. Her eyes lost their sparkle, her face turned serious and that smile vanished. Oh, that smile. I could’ve written pages upon pages comparing it to all the beauty in the world but now it was gone. She became just like anyone else, miserable, just lugging around her baggage just like everyone else, waiting to get on that train and get away from all the misery pouring down on her. The show she had put on for the world was now over. It now existed on some website or some app for everyone to see how happy and happening she was but shrouded her reality from everyone. I wondered why people do that, i wondered what misery ails her, i wondered why people put on a show for others, i wondered…

She got on the train and sat down on the seat opposite mine. Her eyes never left the comfort of her cellphone. it had a world where she was happy. A world where she was liked and people talked to her. A place where people wanted to be her, wanted to do the things she was doing, eating the things she was eating and drinking at the bars she was visiting. Her eyes never once looked up to see me admiring her, wanting her, wanting to talk to her, wanting to know about her, wanting to listen and ease some of her sorrow. I felt virtually invisible as she only now existed virtually. The real her stopped existing a while ago.

She now planned the details of her next show for the world in her mind. What might that be, i wondered….