I have never tried my hand at comedy. Most of you who are regular readers of my blog would know that most of my work is pretty dark. But i saw the entire season of “The Marvellous Mrs Maisel” and I thought to myself, how would I do as a standup comedian? Obviously i was not going to publicly embarrass myself so i figured i should write something down and see what happens. Well, here it is. Imagine hearing these words from a person on stage rather than reading words on a screen. It will work in my favour. Thanks.
Good evening. For those of you who don’t know me, and that would be everyone except my parents, my brother and that cat we adopted one time, my name is Arjun. Although I’m pretty sure i was just “the guy who brings me food and scratches my belly occasionally” to the cat. I’m sure she didn’t give a shit. And that’s just how cats are. They are brilliant. They. Just. Don’t. Give. A. Shit. Yeah they create hell and make damn sure you feed them when they’re hungry. But cats are amazing out in the wild. Ever see a cat sneak up and trap a mouse? It’s amazing. Thats some National Geographic shit right there. But when you adopt a cat, it’s basically like they quit their day job and decide to become a baby. I mean think about it, they’re noisy, they sleep all the time, they break your stuff, you can’t leave them home alone because you’re always scared about what kinda nightmare you’ll return to. But cats are easy. Feed a cat and then they go about doing their own thing. They give you your space to be free and express yourself. A cat has never stopped a man from spending three hours on a playstation. It is everything you want in a relationship, women take note.
But women prefer dogs. Okay, i’ll say most women prefer having a dog. Dogs are great. They give them love and protection. Dogs are possessive, dogs get jealous and they look way better in pictures, men take note here. I’ve seen profiles on dating apps where it says “you should not go out with me if you’re not a dog person”. Our ideal first date will be “You, me and my dog out in the park.” What’s going on here? Are we supposed to date both of you? Like how is that going to work? Is the dog going to come along with us when we go on dates and wait in the car? Or does the dog get a seat at the table too? Does the dog like red or white wine? I mean where does it end?
I went on a date this one time and things ended well so i found myself at her apartment late at night. We came home and we’re making out on the couch. It was great, she was into it and I was into it because why wouldn’t i be? And just when i thought things would escalate, the dog showed up with his leash in his mouth. Instant switch. My face was let go like two week old potatoes. She literally ran to the dog, gave it a hug and i swear the dog looked at me and said “fuck you dude!!”. So we spent the next half an hour walking her dog while he relieved himself. Needless to say it didn’t work out with her. The number of “fuck you’s” i got from the dog was getting ridiculous.
Can’t compete with a dog. You can’t win. So men if you ever see a profile that says that “I will like you if you get along with my dog” then swipe left no matter how hot she is. Because she will say no to you, but she will never say no to her dog. And there are only so many “fuck you’s” you can take from a member of another species.
You’ve been a great audience. See you next time. Goodnight.