Jolt

3:33 AM. I can’t sleep. I lie awake. It’s been hours. That star hasn’t moved at all. I move the blinds and there it is. But this can’t be my reality. I must be fast asleep. I can’t tell the difference anymore.

I jolt myself and I find myself sitting at one of the ship’s computers. I have accidentally deleted the ship’s hard drive. I stare in shock. No one has seen me. Text appears on the screen saying “what have you done?”

I jolt again and I find myself looking at someone getting robbed. I can’t see any faces. Just neon red eyes and black masks. They finish mugging and look at me. They look at me, laugh and walk away. I have nothing to offer.

I jolt again and I’m driving my car. Sitting next to me is an attractive girl but she wouldn’t stop talking. Why won’t she stop talking? I don’t know what she’s saying. I can’t be bothered. It’ll be better if I drive into a tree instead. I pick a tree and pick up the pace. Foot hard down on the throttle. She finally stopped talking.

I jolt right before impact and I’m alone in the world. I missed the last spaceship out of the planet. Everyone has left. I’m the only one left behind in the cloud of white smoke. It’s a blizzard of white. Everywhere you see. But I don’t feel lonely. I prefer it actually. I always wanted a place of my own.

I jolt again and I’m wide awake. I can’t sleep. I move the blinds but the star has gone.

3:34 AM. It’s going to be a long night.

September 26, 2019September 26, 2019 by Arjun

Post #101

WordPress recently notified me that I have now posted 100 times on this blog. I remember when I started blogging a long time ago. What spawned out of a necessity became a way of life for me. I have always enjoyed writing freely and speaking my mind out. Some of them have been well thought out posts. Others have been rants. I’ve been through many ups and downs with this blog and it has always been a silent partner in my life. A comforting presence I turn to whenever I feel the need.

Today I find myself in Xiamen, China. My company flew me here so that I could join my ship. Only thing is that the ship isn’t going to berth till tomorrow evening. I had two back to back reasonably decent flights. Reached the hotel and hooked onto the WiFi. Only trouble is, nothing works here. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Flipboard, WhatsApp, YouTube nothing. It’s almost pointless to be online. Can’t download podcasts, I can listen to Apple Music for some reason. I can download torrents here.

I stepped down for dinner and I have only seen such places in movies. One wall comprised of several transparent tanks containing a variety of sea creatures with their tentacles and claws etc. I have honestly never seen anything like this before. There were lobsters, crabs, eels, some kind of a fresh water fish, sea cucumbers and other things I didn’t recognise. I browsed through the food menu and everything had something dead in it. Not that I’m a vegetarian, I just don’t experiment with my food. Even my safe choice of chicken was being served with some sea going monstrosity. I picked something with rice and hoped to god that it would be what I imagine it to be. The plate showed up with something on top of the rice and it was covered in some sticky salty gravy. I knocked that thing off the top of the rice mountain and dug in. Had some jasmine tea as well. Came back rather refreshed. I don’t want to know what that thing was or what that gravy was made of and I don’t want to find out either.

It also happens to be a weekend which means premier league football in my world. I manually scanned through all 89 channels and found one sports channel which was showing the local Chinese league instead. Back to the days of relying on text commentary for football games. Most of the channels were in Chinese and I couldn’t quite figure out what was going on. I found one English documentary channel and that one sports channel. That’s basically what I’ve watched all day. I was smart enough to download a ton of podcasts at the airport assuming a similar situation. Glad I did that.

Usually, I speak to one particular friend of mine who has always been by my side and understands what I go through whenever I leave to join my ship. It’s a combination of fear, anxiety and sadness. She also knows it only lasts one day and she’s always been patient with me and allowed me to rant useless nonsense even during her work days. But I couldn’t speak to her this time. There is still a communication blackout in Kashmir and I haven’t heard from her in two weeks. I am really worried about her and her comforting presence is being missed a lot especially now. The government is slowly phasing in phone lines and networks back into the valley but I think it’ll be a while before they’ll get internet back. And now that I’m at sea, I can’t reach her unless she has access to the internet. I’m really unhappy with this and I wish things were different. Actions of strangers have led to this massive disruption and have affected so many lives in return. I wouldn’t be here writing this normally. I would be on the phone with her. Just knowing that she is on the other end of the line helped me calm down. But this time I’m on my own.

It’s been a weird day. Nodding off here and there. Airline breakfast and lunch. Watched Avengers Endgame on the flight and got all misty eyed when everyone turns up to fight the army of Thanos. Such a powerful scene. Got dropped at the hotel. Lovely evening rain right before sunset. And that’s been it so far. I board my ship tomorrow and the next three months will be set in stone.

Adios. Thanks for listening.

August 17, 2019 by Arjun

Happy high

My life these days is straight from the pages of a Murakami novel. Things just happen for some unexplained reason and I’m an innocent bystander watching it all unfold as things go from bad to worse.

Be like water they say. Submit to your surroundings. I’ve lost that fire inside me. That drive. That passion. I am now a soulless existence watching each day go by. I seek nothing. Not happiness, not love, not joy. Nothing. My life is a flatline right now. I want nothing and I crave nothing. I continue to live. I do my work. I talk to people. But there is no life inside me.

A few days ago I was hoisted up a crane by a system of ropes and pulleys. Four men pulled my weight up some 30 feet in the air where I dangled for half an hour trying to get something done. I remember looking down. I remember looking at those men. I remember looking at that rope holding me. I remember realising that this rope meant the difference between life and death. Should it give way, I would be splattered all over the main deck. I remember thinking it’s not a good way to go but if it happened, it wouldn’t be the worst thing. I remember thinking I had lived a full life. I had seen what life had to offer and if this was my way to go then so be it. Painful if it may be. I remember looking at the setting sun over the Nigerian coastline and thinking if this was the last thing I’ll ever see. I was okay if I had to go. For no particular reason.

That’s not because I am sad or depressed about anything. I have everything I want in life. I have everyone I want in life. But it’s all fake. Happiness is fake. A purpose is fake. We are a fake pointless existence. I don’t know who designed us and why we are here but everything about us is fake. Everything we feel is a chemical reaction inside our body. Everything that gives us happiness is triggered by our brains. Happiness is within but only a few things trigger these hormones. And it’s like having a drink. Eventually the effect fades away and you crave another one. Everything from holding hands to running. Everything that makes you happy is fake. The same way everything that makes you sad is fake. Your own body feels sad when it can’t trigger these hormones. That’s why you take up drinking and promiscuity. A temporary fix. A shot. I used to run for two years and then I had to stop because of an injury. I went through a withdrawal. They call it a runners high. And they compare it to a cocaine addiction. The withdrawal was brutal. I was irritated. I was angry. I fought with everyone. I threw things. Two weeks this lasted. And then I was fine. Like nothing had happened. My own mind turning my body into a wreck because I stopped feeding it the feel good hormones.

So what is real? How are we any different from a machine that has been programmed? You might say we have consciousness. But what is that? Even our thoughts are driven by hormones. It’s all a big chase for getting high. The number of celebrities who end up as drug abusers and finally end up in a rehab is astonishing. Why is that? They have everything. Money, fame, fortune and fans who throw love at them from around the world. But that isn’t the answer to happiness. Jim Carey once said “May you all be as successful as your heart desires so that you realise that it isn’t the answer to finding happiness”. Happiness is dynamic. One that that makes you happy now may not make you happy later. One person who makes you happy now may drive you crazy later. Nothing is constant. Yes the regular ones preprogrammed are always there. Like being in a relationship, having a sense of belonging, physical contact with people etc.

So what’s real? If none of our feelings are real and are a mere bio-chemical reaction then true happiness doesn’t exist. Nothing exists. Nothing is real. And if nothing is real then if I have to fall from 30 feet today or die an old man aged 90, what bloody difference does it make?

March 17, 2019 by Arjun

Another day, another dollar.

He returned home late. Again. Another one of those nights. One of those never ending nights. Lately that’s all he was living. Days that fuse into nights and nights that refuse to end. The hands of the clock might as well have not been there at all. What difference does it make? Life goes by and all you do is wonder where it all went. He did exactly that. Sat at the edge of the bed, tie loosened around his neck. Shoes off but it would take another burst of energy to take the socks off. Head hung low, he wondered how he ended up here. How this was his life now. How this was his new normal. He thought about the last time he had fun. The last time he laughed. The last time he knew what time it was.

He lay back, lost in his thoughts. They swept over him gently like a river meandering through plains. He didn’t drown in them. Instead they took him places. And he let them. He surrendered to his thoughts. This was the only time he could call his own. All the other hours of the day belonged to someone else. Someone else owned a portion of his life. Every day. Every damn day. Relentless thankless work for faceless people getting richer with every bead of sweat pouring out of your skin

He drifted off and never bothered to come back to the real world. He went wherever his mind took him. His eyes stayed open, staring at the ceiling, looking but not really seeing anything. The tie still dangled from his neck. The socks stayed on. The shirt and trousers got crushed under his weight but he didn’t care anymore.

Next thing he knew it was his alarm going off. It was morning again. Another day. “Another day, another dollar”, he thought to himself. Got back on his feet to endure another insufferable day.

February 12, 2019 by Arjun

Me..

She had decided. She had made up her mind. And once that happens, there is no turning back. Not a force in the world can turn it around post that. She views outside intervention as an alien invasion and buckles down inside her underground bunker. A place where she is safe. A place where she is immune.

I could see it in her eyes. I could see that she had left this realm a long time ago and it was too late. I could see that she saw me differently and there was nothing I could do about it. Her mind was made up. And she didn’t care about what I thought anymore.

She began walking away. It should’ve been me. It should’ve been me all along.

Now a mere speck on that cold snowy street, I chased after her waving my arms and shouting at the top of my voice to get her attention. But she didn’t turn. She kept walking away from me. A blizzard couldn’t stop her now. Her mind was made up. I gave up after a while. Watched her disappear into the distance and eventually from my life. And that’s the last time I ever saw her.

It should’ve been me. Why couldn’t she pick me? Why couldn’t she choose me? Why couldn’t she love me?

December 28, 2017 by Arjun

Day 2

I continue to blend into the place and my paranoia has diminished greatly. The day began with a lazy breakfast at home followed by lunch at one of the popular places here. It was near a local university and it was nice to see the young men and women of this war torn state walking around in their uniforms. Most women had their head covered and walked in groups while the men were free to dress however they wanted. 

From the cafe we went deeper into the city, crossing the meandering river at many points. It was unthinkable for a place like this to have traffic but here we are. Stopped by another landmark for some hot local tea near the river. The flavours and the aromas these people play with are breathtaking. The sun set rather quickly and we had just reached our evening destination. We took a long walk around the city’s famous lake. The lake had set up various jetties around it and local boatsmen wanted to ferry us around in the lake for a nominal fee. I was told that at one point, many years ago you couldn’t find a single boat available. But today they all stood waiting in anticipation. War has brought this glorious city to a halt. The people have lost their livelihoods and all sources of income. Tourism has been in a steady state of decline for the past 4 years, I’ve been told. And who has to be blamed for that? Who will take a corrective action? Maybe it has to be people like you and me who visit here and tell the world that things are normal here. The normal days never make it to the headlines. The political games and personal gains have only affected the common man who has to live here. Everyone is either away from the problem or couldn’t possibly care less about what’s going on here. At every jetty there was a person asking me to take a ride in the lake on his boat. It was late and the wind had picked up, so I had to respectfully decline every offer with a heavy heart. 

“Did you earn anything today?” Asked one boat owner to the other, as translated by my local friend. 

“Nope. Nothing.” Was the reply. 

Questions clouding up my mind. Why? Why do things have to be this way? While the rest of the country talks about multimillion dollar projects and development, nothing is being done here. Many reasons. Political conflict, stern resistance to outside interference. It is never one thing in these cases. That’s what makes it so complex. And there is never an easy solution. And it always gets worse and worse. Things never take a turn for the better anymore. 

Packed some dinner late evening from another landmark hotel around the lake. Went back home and ate dinner in silence with a bottle of wine and some music. While we devoured the delicious butter chicken and shahi paneer, I wondered what that boat owner had for dinner with his family. You look above and you see the starry night, the tall mountains surrounding this place all around. But you look down and the reality is a lot different. And not for the reasons projected in the news. 

October 12, 2017October 12, 2017 by Arjun

When/If

She appeared out of nowhere. I was too busy keeping my head down and running to the beats of the song playing through my earphones. She ran past me. Perfect form, perfect figure. The grace and pace of a gazelle in the wild. Not a care in the world. She looked back at me and told me to catch up with her. I was already on my last kilometre for the day but i was never going to refuse. I sped up so as to catch up with her but she was too fast, and i was too slow. I couldn’t keep up. She kept turning back, gesturing me to run faster and come alongside but no matter how hard i tried, i couldn’t gain any ground on her. She kept her pace and distanced herself from me slowly but surely, All i could do was watch her leave me behind. She was right next to me at one point, but now a tiny speck in the distance ready disappear like a crisp wind. And she was gone. I was left alone on that road going nowhere and life returned with all its glorious monotony.

I hope i can see her again someday. Maybe i’ll catch her the next time and never let her go again. Wonder when that’ll be. Or if that’ll be. Isn’t that the question?

September 21, 2017 by Arjun