3:33 AM. I can’t sleep. I lie awake. It’s been hours. That star hasn’t moved at all. I move the blinds and there it is. But this can’t be my reality. I must be fast asleep. I can’t tell the difference anymore.

I jolt myself and I find myself sitting at one of the ship’s computers. I have accidentally deleted the ship’s hard drive. I stare in shock. No one has seen me. Text appears on the screen saying “what have you done?”

I jolt again and I find myself looking at someone getting robbed. I can’t see any faces. Just neon red eyes and black masks. They finish mugging and look at me. They look at me, laugh and walk away. I have nothing to offer.

I jolt again and I’m driving my car. Sitting next to me is an attractive girl but she wouldn’t stop talking. Why won’t she stop talking? I don’t know what she’s saying. I can’t be bothered. It’ll be better if I drive into a tree instead. I pick a tree and pick up the pace. Foot hard down on the throttle. She finally stopped talking.

I jolt right before impact and I’m alone in the world. I missed the last spaceship out of the planet. Everyone has left. I’m the only one left behind in the cloud of white smoke. It’s a blizzard of white. Everywhere you see. But I don’t feel lonely. I prefer it actually. I always wanted a place of my own.

I jolt again and I’m wide awake. I can’t sleep. I move the blinds but the star has gone.

3:34 AM. It’s going to be a long night.

Post #101

WordPress recently notified me that I have now posted 100 times on this blog. I remember when I started blogging a long time ago. What spawned out of a necessity became a way of life for me. I have always enjoyed writing freely and speaking my mind out. Some of them have been well thought out posts. Others have been rants. I’ve been through many ups and downs with this blog and it has always been a silent partner in my life. A comforting presence I turn to whenever I feel the need.

Today I find myself in Xiamen, China. My company flew me here so that I could join my ship. Only thing is that the ship isn’t going to berth till tomorrow evening. I had two back to back reasonably decent flights. Reached the hotel and hooked onto the WiFi. Only trouble is, nothing works here. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Flipboard, WhatsApp, YouTube nothing. It’s almost pointless to be online. Can’t download podcasts, I can listen to Apple Music for some reason. I can download torrents here.

I stepped down for dinner and I have only seen such places in movies. One wall comprised of several transparent tanks containing a variety of sea creatures with their tentacles and claws etc. I have honestly never seen anything like this before. There were lobsters, crabs, eels, some kind of a fresh water fish, sea cucumbers and other things I didn’t recognise. I browsed through the food menu and everything had something dead in it. Not that I’m a vegetarian, I just don’t experiment with my food. Even my safe choice of chicken was being served with some sea going monstrosity. I picked something with rice and hoped to god that it would be what I imagine it to be. The plate showed up with something on top of the rice and it was covered in some sticky salty gravy. I knocked that thing off the top of the rice mountain and dug in. Had some jasmine tea as well. Came back rather refreshed. I don’t want to know what that thing was or what that gravy was made of and I don’t want to find out either.

It also happens to be a weekend which means premier league football in my world. I manually scanned through all 89 channels and found one sports channel which was showing the local Chinese league instead. Back to the days of relying on text commentary for football games. Most of the channels were in Chinese and I couldn’t quite figure out what was going on. I found one English documentary channel and that one sports channel. That’s basically what I’ve watched all day. I was smart enough to download a ton of podcasts at the airport assuming a similar situation. Glad I did that.

Usually, I speak to one particular friend of mine who has always been by my side and understands what I go through whenever I leave to join my ship. It’s a combination of fear, anxiety and sadness. She also knows it only lasts one day and she’s always been patient with me and allowed me to rant useless nonsense even during her work days. But I couldn’t speak to her this time. There is still a communication blackout in Kashmir and I haven’t heard from her in two weeks. I am really worried about her and her comforting presence is being missed a lot especially now. The government is slowly phasing in phone lines and networks back into the valley but I think it’ll be a while before they’ll get internet back. And now that I’m at sea, I can’t reach her unless she has access to the internet. I’m really unhappy with this and I wish things were different. Actions of strangers have led to this massive disruption and have affected so many lives in return. I wouldn’t be here writing this normally. I would be on the phone with her. Just knowing that she is on the other end of the line helped me calm down. But this time I’m on my own.

It’s been a weird day. Nodding off here and there. Airline breakfast and lunch. Watched Avengers Endgame on the flight and got all misty eyed when everyone turns up to fight the army of Thanos. Such a powerful scene. Got dropped at the hotel. Lovely evening rain right before sunset. And that’s been it so far. I board my ship tomorrow and the next three months will be set in stone.

Adios. Thanks for listening.

Random rants : 15th August 2019

I feel like writing today. Nothing particular in mind and no particular direction to follow. It is that time of my life again where I bid adieu to my current status quo and uproot my existence to another location. It is time again to transform myself again to carry on another role I signed up for in my alternate existence. A role I have played well in the past and has led to many self discoveries. In under 24 hours, I am wheels up again, this time to China where I meet my second home.

Doubt always clouds me and it’s a touch demon to overpower. The grass seems greener over here for now. I don’t see a point in leaving. I tell myself things like I have to do what I have to do and drag my zombie steps towards my ship where my transformation happens. Only to do the same thing again in three months only this time when I return from my ship to transform again. It would appear that change is the only constant in my life. Nothing else is constant. Nothing.

I spent majority of my break in Mumbai for a course and I had a fun time. I didn’t speak to anyone, I didn’t go out much. I went to class and came back. I was surrounded by my own thoughts all the time. People around me stared in bewilderment. But i was happy. My life packed nothing. I had peace. I was surrounded by beauty. It was a life I could’ve lived forever. But the circle of life never lets the good times last. You have to earn these moments. You have to work to live such days as a reward. I don’t work for money. I work for peace.

Soon I’ll be in another realm where I’ll be with my thoughts again amidst a lot of responsibility. The page has turned. The lines are written in stone. Time to go back to sea again.